war with my soul, or just with you

Wait for it..... screaming on the inside. im on fire. my soul is burning inside out. it hurts, because well family is supposed to be your roots. and for mine.. seems to be a burning bush. not in a good sense. dont try and grasp it. you will only misconstrue my emotions with real life. i dont know what i should do. try harder. yes why not. at least i can say im trying. thank you for listening, for the first time or the last. at least i know or think you care. we put function in dysfunctional. i am the way i am because of what i know and have been through. lead by examples, i have no examples. and i thought that this was ok. until i was told otherwise. lets have a bash! what do ya say? nothing anymore. just keeping my mouth shut from now on. when it comes to this everytime. it's not you, its me. who do i confide in. my better half. because he can keep secrets.doesnt run his mouth. its ashame when  you cant even talk to someone who is family and it not  just blow up in your face. because why??? because thats how we roll. i wish it were different. more commuincation. more plans. more talks. more laughs. but  i get tears in the end. with two i can recall. most times, its fake. why cant you be real. i dont see you. your an accquaintence. so sad but so true. it really doesnt matter but ive actually had an alright day. then there was you. what more do i need to say. belittled. trash talk. white trash talk. i can stoop to your level. do i like to, no. do i gain pleasure? no. does it hurt my heart. yes. why because it's big and now in pieces. my family not immediate. but my family ive gained- i inherited. my step children, whom i never refer to them as that but was brought to my attention that thats all they really are dressed up dolls in your clothes. again dont try and fathom any of this, its much to rich for you, like chocolate. it doesnt help that i know how you really feel. so why dont we just put it all out there. lets just grow up.  i mean i know i have a lot of growing up to do. but at least i try not to make the same mistakes over and over. so now that ive glued myself back together. heres to growing up. and saying your sorry. and i love you. and all of that jazz.